![]() ![]() Crying is such a freeing and necessary part of grieving. I cried on the floor of my bedroom & on the shower floor a lot that week. I remember feeling so close to the Lord that week…like He was actually holding me in the palm of His hand. No more pain and suffering from MS…while you still had some dignity and capabilities. Were you scared? Did you know what was happening? What were you thinking/feeling? Was it quick? I have a peace about it now- that you were at peace. For the first few years after you passed that made me really sad. I wish you weren’t alone when you went to heaven but I know God met you there. They are grown men but mom always called them “the boys” haha) didn’t have to be the ones to find you. I’m so glad I could serve you in one last way to do that and that dad or the boys (for readers: the boys are my two older brothers Aaron & Daniel. I remember the night and week we lost you. It also stunted me in some ways (like over serving/not taking care of myself, struggling to find my identity in what I can do for others verses my identity in Christ, etc.) but by God’s grace I’ve been inching back to a “healthy middle.” Marriage and counseling have helped that tremendously!! It’s helped me serve + bless so many people and drawn me closer to the Lord. Your death sure did spring me into responsibility/adulthood sooner than I was ever anticipating but I’ve always viewed that as a blessing. ![]() ![]() Even though I’ve felt guilt/sad when I’ve forgotten, I know there’s good in that because I’m living life fully which is what you would have wanted anyway. I’ve felt sad/guilty the few times I’ve forgotten your birthday (August 16th) or “death anniversary” (October 26th)…not exactly sure what to call that day haha. But I’ve also experience the sweet love, grace, and care of so many other women who have all stepped in to fill that void. Sometimes I want YOU and sometimes it’s just the idea of having a mom. I anticipate that, Lord willing, when we have kids of our own that’ll feel really hard to not have you there either.Īt times I envy others who are close with their moms. I go back and forth to milestones feeling like a slap in the face reminder that you’re not here to being at peace. Graduating high school and getting married without you were real sucker punches because they’ve been my biggest transitions so far. Mourning you has been different in each stage of my life and has happened with each new “milestone” listed above + then some. Losing Grandpa Roy a year after you, graduating high school, a boy breaking my heart broken for the first time, loosing Grandpa Ed, learning what it looked like to walk with Jesus, studying abroad in Luxembourg, having SO much fun making friends & memories in college, falling in love with my now husband, navigating friendships & conflict, graduating college, getting married to Drew, losing Grandma Gorman while on our honeymoon, starting my first “big girl” job, starting my own business, losing Grandma Katie, moving to a new state, having refugee foster kids…just to name a few. I feel like I blinked and the time has passed. I hope it gives encouragement or perspective to whoever reads this! Without further ado, here’s a letter to my sweet mom who’s been with Jesus for the past 10 years.ġ0 years. It’s taken me about 2 months to write& felt therapeutic for me. Though my marriage ended in divorce, I’m so grateful to have had this moment and memory with her because at a time like this it’s all an openly gay man who grew up in the U.S.This is one of the most personal posts I’ll probably ever share on my blog. The deeper memory for me though is the conversation that my momma and I had, and the words of wisdom she conveyed to me while we danced - the pride, reflection, love, and respect within the conversation we had in this moment – it represents a mother’s love, wishes, and dreams for her son. The ‘bring down the house’ speech she gave about equality and human rights for LGBTQ+ people at the wedding reception is a memory that many who attended the wedding mention regularly. I’ll forever remember the moment of dancing with mom in front of friends, family, and loved one’s. Momma was 63 years old.Īs to this picture and the memory it reflects for me, it is from my wedding on in Tilghman Island, MD. I am sad to share that my precious momma, Tammy, passed away early Friday morning from ongoing complications related to end stage renal failure and congestive heart failure. This picture represents a memory with my mother that will forever be how I remember her. ![]()
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